Why. Why is this like this!? The first game was shorter. I killed more people. Died way less times. Just raped that game. And yet….I get less than half the IP of the second one. WTF?!
Shouldn’t we be rewarded for doing good? Not doing ok?
WTF….clearly…I’m going to have to dominate a lil less. Try to solo baron or something a few times.
Just…sigh….
I moved outta studio today! So happy to be stress free for a bit. And after moving out, what have I done?!
Played video games in my underwear!!
This is going to be a depressed post.
Just had a conversation with the guy I like. And I should clarify like. I didn’t just like him. He is one of the most amazing guys I’ve ever met. And I have been emotionally uninterested in anyone for years now…until him. I wanted this to work. I wanted us to work. I wanted it so bad. All the hope I had…I put in it. Incredibly stupid I know because…I mean I have the worst luck with guys ever. I really should learn not to hope at all. There is practically zero chance of someone I like ever liking me. Hoping just hurts me.
But I hoped.
And I asked him tonight…I asked if he liked me. Because I needed to know. No I didn’t. But I wanted him to say he did. So I asked.
…he didn’t say yes.
And it isn’t just that he doesn’t like me. To me…him not liking me is representative of future attempts on my part. Hence: Why should I even try?
I used to feel like I was just the most worthless creature ever to drag it’s disgusting carcass across the face of the planet. I don’t think that anymore. But I don’t really think I’m…that great either. I pretty much just think I’m plain. Nothing special. A pale shade of grey in a sea of greys. I don’t stand out and therefore am beyond notice.
Not that I want to feel this way. But I can’t help it. And not that he was trying to do this…but in saying no…he just reinforced all those feelings of inadequacy.
And so I feel like shit.
Like I’ll never find someone who I like who will like me back.
Especially since the only time that’s ever happened…he later told me he thought I was disgusting and worthless.
So I’m trying to get the work done I said I was while not falling on the floor at studio and balling my eyes out.
So. In the interest of passing my classes…Up come the emotional walls of apathy. I won’t find love and who cares. There are advantages to being single and loveless.
For one, it’s easier to have lots of meaningless sex. Trust me, I speak from experience. And how wonderfully distracting meaningless sex is. And how easy it is to get when you look like a 16 yr old but am of age and legal.
Enter, stage right, jaded me. Please, don’t care because I don’t.
And by now, you don’t care and are rolling your eyes at my silly little depression. Don’t worry, so am I.
So let me just explain this whole situation.
This guy that I like, you see, he liked my friend first but my friend didn’t like him. So they had a bit of drama. And my friend clearly expressed that he was annoyed by this guy I like. For the ease of explanation, we’ll call the guy I like Arrow and my friend will be Hawkins. Well you see, Arrow is relationally-inexperienced and therefore wouldn’t let go his desire for Hawkins. Eventually Hawkins had to be blunt and turn Arrow away and this bummbed Arrow out pretty good.
About this time I met Arrow and liked him. Well I added him of facebook eventually and we chatted and exchanged numbers and started texting. Well then I went to Denver and over the weekend I was gone, Arrow went on a date with a new guy whom he liked. Well they more or less hit it off. Since then they have spent time together everyday (mind you it has only been two weeks). Well a couple days ago, Arrow’s new boy apparently dumped him. And he took it really hard.
So this is what is bothering me. I have been quite nice to Arrow, not falsely either (but because I like him), and he has had only nice things to say about me. But…there is no clear progression towards more than friends. And after his boy dumped him…he went to Hawkins for consolation.
Since then, he and Hawkins have been texting quite regularly and Hawkins has taken upon himself to tease him by pretend flirting.
This…this isn’t fun. I like Arrow. Quite a bit. I’d really like the opportunity to get close to him. But from the looks of things…I’m friend zoned and Hawkins, despite having been a total ass to Arrow, is getting Arrow’s full attention.
Am I just that uninteresting? So easily forgotten?
Am I only friend material here?!
Just…just…
…
